Remembering Star Trek Enterprise

Posted by on Sep 4, 2015 in Blog | No Comments

Let’s jump into the Way Back Machine and reminisce about the horrible song parodies of Star Trek Enterprise’s Faith of the Heart that we published during the run of that series.
Star Trek Enterprise Crew - Season One
For those who don’t remember… Enterprise was the first Star Trek series to not use an orchestral theme. Instead, it used a rock song written by the great Diane Warren.

Many Trekkies were outraged to have such a travesty. Of course, there was also a large constituency of those who thought that the song rocked (pun intended).

For us, it offered the perfect opportunity for some hilarity.  Each week, we composed an original ditty that (in true MAD Magazine style), skewered the episode to the tune of the theme song.

Before we get into the parodies… here is the song for those who don’t remember (or, who never heard it).

You can watch this series online via Hulu and/or CBS.

Keep in mind that we did parodies for virtually every one of the episodes over four seasons. We won’t go through all of them here… just a selection.

Parody of Star Trek Enterprise’s A Night In Sickbay Episode
Sung to the tune of Toni Braxton’s 1993 hit, Breathe Again

Star Trek: Enterprise - A Night in Sickbay

If we never see a decon scene again
If Trip never rubs down T’Pol’s crack again
If we never see young Hoshi show some skin
Will we never see the Captain dream of sin
Please understand if this ends
Then we promise you, we promise youThat, that we won’t watch this show again
Watch Again
Watch Again
That we won’t watch this show again
Watch again

And I can’t stop thinkin’ about
Braga’s aborted temporal war
And I can’t stop thinkin’ about
The episodes that made me snore
And the theme song that everyone hates
We want a change, but it’s too late
The ratings just keep slipping down
As viewers walk away

And I can’t stop thinkin’ about
The day that Trip got hard on screen
And I can’t stop thinkin’ about
T’Pol’s erotic jazz club dreams
And the theme song just won’t go away
Warren and Watson, they must pay
We need pretentious symphonies
Like Mr. Ed needs hay

If we never see Phlox kissing Cutler’s lips
If on Risa Hoshi doesn’t skinny dip
If the Pon Farr don’t make T’Pol’s hormones flip
Will the writers foist upon us one more gyp
Please hear me B and B
That we promise you, we promise you

That, that all us viewers, we will flee
We will flee
We will flee
That all us viewers, we will flee
We will flee

And we can’t stop thinkin’ about
Malcolm rejecting Hoshi’s love
No we can’t stop thinkin’ about
Her little Risan “push and shove”
And the writers keep grasping at straws
Where female crewmembers get pawed
And Archer showers naked
While the gravity’s on pause

And we can’t stop doin’ without
Some continuity that works
No we can’t stop doin’ without
Characters with interesting quirks
At least Archer is growing some balls
Last year he took too many falls
And his fantasies in sickbay
Seemed like Zalman King’s house call

If the Enterprise don’t get new writers — STAT
Maybe UPN will pull the plug — like that
Like North Philly hoodlums with a baseball bat
Like Chicago mobsters with a Thompson gat
We’ll probably see… on TV…
Captain Riker on the Mariner and

His jailed clone Thomas running free
Running free
Running free
Coming next season on TV…

Parody of Star Trek Enterprise’s North Star Episode
It only seems fitting to have a Western episode given the Nashville twang the theme song has taken this season of Enterprise. And, while we don’t get the same thrill as we did watching Bill Shatner and Joan Collins chewing scenery together, Bakula’s scenes with Emily Bergl were pleasant to watch, nonetheless.

And so, let us toast this episode with a parody sung to the theme song of the classic TV western, “Rawhide”
Star Trek Enterprise, North Star

Grab a rope and hang ‘em
The deputy’s a mean one
Shoot you with his big gun
He thinks it is big fun
North Star!

Won’t try to understand ‘em
Just rope and lynch and hang ‘em
Soon they’ll be swinging in the sky.

But Archer’s calculatin’
A plan he has to save ‘em
Skagarens have a friend in
Cap Jon

Move ‘em on, head ‘em up,
Head ‘em up, move ‘em out,
Move ‘em on, head ‘em out
North Star!

Set ‘em out, ride ‘em in
Ride ‘em in, let ‘em out,
Cut ‘em out, ride ‘em in

North Star!

Parody of Star Trek Enterprise’s Extinction Episode
Watching the “Extinction” episode, despite the awesome direction by LeVar Burton, was a stupefying experience… so we borrow the song Stupefy by the group Disturbed to parody this episode…
Star Trek: Enterprise: Season 3, Episode 3

Bringing you another disturbing diversion
From the minds of Braga and Berman
Crew members devolving
And get stupefied

I’’ve been watching this show for three long years
And this episode brought me tears
The writers guzzled too many beers
I find myself stupefied watching once again

Saw an alien get bar-be-cued
By some others that lit a fuse
Wouldn’’t want to be in his shoes
I find myself stupefied watching once again

Why, do they just visit a planet
No thought of contamination
As they’’re feeling changes inside
You’’d think they’’d ankle that place

No. Writers ignoring reality.
Why do they delay a rescue team?
No. Writers ignoring reality…
Where is the remote, I’’m turning away.

See but I don’’t get it
Don’’t you think the writers give the viewers credit?
This show can improve, why don’’t they let it?

I get stupefied

It’’s all the same you say, live with it
But where’s the logic?
Don’’t you think immolation’s tragic?
Ira Steven Behr should take this show like magic

No more stupefied…

Then the alien containment crew comes
Seems to be a Stargate Gould guy… huh?
The mutant Archer beats them with a club
I find myself stupefied watching once again

Doctor Phlox’’s vaccine works real… fast
And it seems the effects will not… last
Unless Malcolm eats the maggots… gasp!
I find myself stupefied watching once again

But next week’’s previews…
Oh baby, now…
Seem to be lewd…
Or will we be betrayed?

Watching this show infects your brain… you begin to stupefy!
Watching this show infects your brain… you begin to stupefy!

Parody of Star Trek Enterprise’s Storm Front Episode
The fourth season of Enterprise brings us to yet another wild and crazy twist that will certainly send the fans a howling. On the bright side, we have a member of the cast of HBO’s “The Sopranos” as a guest star.

Since the show is now taking place during World War 2, it seems fitting to set our first parody for this season to the tune of the Andrews Sisters’ hit from that era, “Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy from Company B”
Star Trek Enterprise Storm Front Part 1 (TV Episode 2004)

He was a captain from the four and twenty century
But then the temporal war provoked a tragedy
Woke up in nineteen forty four
With Nazis in the White House and our old timeline no more
He’’s in the Mafia, with Scotty Bacula
And the Enterprise crew thinks he’’s dead and Tit-’Pole is stuck

The greatest fear of all the fans is coming true
The canon has been trashed, we don’’t know what to do
Jon Archer made it to his ship
But now the grey-skins have Trip and Malcolm in deep doo-doo
And Sal got shot in the back while Bobby killed Gerries
But Jon and his girlfriend get beamed up, now Tit-’Pole believes

The war… no more… the frazz’lin temporal war
They’’ve blown it — can’’t take no more
This fractured canon
What else can they do with this weird witches stew?
Bring in Brent Spiner?
Well, Brent appears in two weeks — they still know how to tease
Good thing the sister from New York can shoot the ticks off fleas

With Daniels dead the Enterprise is royally screwed
Remember that it’’s Star Trek, so don’’t worry dude
Logic’’s an option not a must
We don’’t know how they’’ll get home, although we know that they must
Unless the producers are smoking wacky-weed
Archer’s gonna kill the Nazis; how else can it be?

Parody of Star Trek Enterprise’s The Back of the Storm Front Episode
The apparent end of the temporal war inspired this song parody… sung to
the tune of Enterprise’’s theme, “Faith of the Heart”
Star Trek Enterprise - Storm Front Part 2 (TV Episode 2004)

Manny has done it
No one could ask for more
Frustrated Brannon
By ending the temporal war

And we can feel a change in the show right now
Can’’t wait till next week
And they’’re not gonna leap through time no more
If they do it’’ll blow our minds

’Cause we’’ve got faith that the show
Might satisfy the fans this season
It’’s been four painful years
Capped off by Vosk’’s Nazis
But next week there’’s a show
Where “Tit-Pole” has a Vulcan wedding
Give Coto pots of gold
We’’ve got faith, we’’ve got faith, faith in the show

Daniels is back now
As the timeline resets
It’’s finally over
But I wouldn’t hold my breath

Like Silik said to Jon down in Bensonhurst
“Humans Revert to old ways”
Will the temporal cold war return again?
“Never know” is what I would say

But we’’ve got faith that the show
Will come to represent true Star Trek
It’s been four painful years
Don’’t want another train wreck
And in two weeks we will see
An ancient relative of Data
As our breath we will hold
We’’ve got faith, we’ve got faith, faith in the show



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